Hi,
I read your whole list and I would love to help you. I don't have much experience here on freelancer, I haven't honestly completed even one official project here. But by your list, I've concluded that reviews and experience are not what will help you much. I mean yes, experience will make things much easier for you to make the right choice, but its not that simple is it? You need someone who can reduce your work load I guess, but most importantly, you need someone who can be with you through thick and thin, help you get through tough times, help you improve while getting better themselves; you want your assistant to be a human, not a quick processing computer that responds to your instructions. I'm 17, well 17 and a half. I know, I know, "how can I possibly be of any help to you?" That's what you're thinking, or atleast something along those lines. Well, I may be rather young and quite inexperienced, but I can provide you with what you want. I may not seem much but I'm very determined to finish a task as best as I can, especially one that holds my interest. Also, coming from a teenager's point of view, you can get a different perspective on life, on the problems that it throws at you. I don't know how old you are, but you were a teenager once surely. But you've probably outgrown that part of your life and you've got a different mindset now. It may be refreshing to be accompanied by a person with a rather overly optimistic approach to life. Also, I can assure you, I'm not as childish as you may get the idea from my age. I mean, ok I'm childish, but I'm more serious than a 40 year old when needed and I just would really rally love to know more about your job and what you need, so that I can help you. Because you, in all honesty, give off the impression of the most genuine person I've seen and the fact that you're a writer makes it all the more amazing and it would be a huge honour to work under you as you'll be helping me improve too, in all aspects of life.
Ok, this was a really long proposal, but after reading your list, I believe it deserved an honest reply. And this is by far the most genuine and unprofessional proposal I've ever written. Even if you don't find me fit for the job, I hope you find exactly who you're looking for :)
Thanks for reading this.